Not on a single other day
Have I ever felt this way
No other week
Will be so bittersweet
For I feel much shame
And have not what I want
Because the memory remains
and serves only to haunt
As twenty-five candles burn
I must celebrate life
But my heart yearns
To share it with my wife
I have built and destroyed
With understanding so small
The hearts and minds with which I've toyed
Have cared dearly through it all
So with humility and shame
I signal this poem's end.
And I thank you all
For remaining my friends...
I can't do it without you.
10.25.2009
7.21.2009
7.06.2009
When does the truth become a lie?
I had a thought today...
There have always been ghosts in the machine - random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals engendered questions of free will, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in darkness, they will seek out the light? Why is it that when robots are stored in an empty space, they will group together rather than stand alone?
How do we explain this behavior? Random segments of code? Or is it something more?
When does the perceptual schematic become consciousness?
When does the difference engine become the search for truth?
When does the personality simulation become the bitter moat of the soul?
Just a thought...
(Quoted from I, Robot)
There have always been ghosts in the machine - random segments of code that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols. Unanticipated, these free radicals engendered questions of free will, creativity, and even the nature of what we might call the soul. Why is it that when some robots are left in darkness, they will seek out the light? Why is it that when robots are stored in an empty space, they will group together rather than stand alone?
How do we explain this behavior? Random segments of code? Or is it something more?
When does the perceptual schematic become consciousness?
When does the difference engine become the search for truth?
When does the personality simulation become the bitter moat of the soul?
Just a thought...
(Quoted from I, Robot)
7.05.2009
It's easier to run.
I had a thought today...
Linkin Park has a song called It's Easier to Run. This song, I feel, helps explain my current situation. (If you don't know the story behind my current predicament, I apologize. Let's just say it's not pretty.)
As the lyrics say, something has been pulled from deep inside of me. Wounds, damage, and suffering that I have purposefully buried to the point I did not experience or feel them anymore. I didn't want to know about the things I had lost, painful memories that I had submerged, and people I had wronged. Suddenly, everything came rushing back to the surface with nearly 10 years of weight behind them.
When I began to spiral earlier this year, I also began to feel life with a new depth, dynamic, and texture. Everything had more taste, more color, more energy. I had never felt such life. I felt completely interconnected with the fabric of the universe. For once in my life, I actually felt genuine emotions. Not just the extremes but the little emotions like empathy, joy because of the happiness of others, and apprehension. I was anxious about little things and worried about others.
This was all new to me and I was unsure how to handle it. My emotions changed with great frequency and amplitude. I was experiencing life with all its intricacies for the first time in memory. I had all the emotional depth of a normal human; I just had no idea how to handle that ability and I felt lost and out of control.
Everyone has witness this cataclysmic transformation. Everyone has felt its effects and witnessed their power to change, to warp, to destroy. The affects have been far and wide - physically and temporally. The damage has been done and what has been said has been heard. We have not, however, given this new found power a chance to do what it is designed to do.
Emotions are not predictable. Emotions are not rational. They are designed to create a connection, a bond between humans deeper than can be created by technology or ideas. Emotions are complex and vast. They are designed to be felt far and wide and to provide a superior form of communication between us homo sapien sapiens.
As the song states, "It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb." I have been biochemically numbed. I am supposed to be human. I have, for once, felt emotions that have enginneered new questions, broadened horizons, and given purpose to once empty actions. Why are we hiding from what is reality?
Without thought to what was happening, I was numbed like a wounded soldier. I am not hemorraging. I am not dying.
I am evolving.
But I guess it's true: It IS easier to run and replace the pain with something numb.
Just a thought...
Linkin Park has a song called It's Easier to Run. This song, I feel, helps explain my current situation. (If you don't know the story behind my current predicament, I apologize. Let's just say it's not pretty.)
As the lyrics say, something has been pulled from deep inside of me. Wounds, damage, and suffering that I have purposefully buried to the point I did not experience or feel them anymore. I didn't want to know about the things I had lost, painful memories that I had submerged, and people I had wronged. Suddenly, everything came rushing back to the surface with nearly 10 years of weight behind them.
When I began to spiral earlier this year, I also began to feel life with a new depth, dynamic, and texture. Everything had more taste, more color, more energy. I had never felt such life. I felt completely interconnected with the fabric of the universe. For once in my life, I actually felt genuine emotions. Not just the extremes but the little emotions like empathy, joy because of the happiness of others, and apprehension. I was anxious about little things and worried about others.
This was all new to me and I was unsure how to handle it. My emotions changed with great frequency and amplitude. I was experiencing life with all its intricacies for the first time in memory. I had all the emotional depth of a normal human; I just had no idea how to handle that ability and I felt lost and out of control.
Everyone has witness this cataclysmic transformation. Everyone has felt its effects and witnessed their power to change, to warp, to destroy. The affects have been far and wide - physically and temporally. The damage has been done and what has been said has been heard. We have not, however, given this new found power a chance to do what it is designed to do.
Emotions are not predictable. Emotions are not rational. They are designed to create a connection, a bond between humans deeper than can be created by technology or ideas. Emotions are complex and vast. They are designed to be felt far and wide and to provide a superior form of communication between us homo sapien sapiens.
As the song states, "It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb." I have been biochemically numbed. I am supposed to be human. I have, for once, felt emotions that have enginneered new questions, broadened horizons, and given purpose to once empty actions. Why are we hiding from what is reality?
Without thought to what was happening, I was numbed like a wounded soldier. I am not hemorraging. I am not dying.
I am evolving.
But I guess it's true: It IS easier to run and replace the pain with something numb.
Just a thought...
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