It's easier to run.

I had a thought today...

Linkin Park has a song called It's Easier to Run. This song, I feel, helps explain my current situation. (If you don't know the story behind my current predicament, I apologize. Let's just say it's not pretty.)


As the lyrics say, something has been pulled from deep inside of me. Wounds, damage, and suffering that I have purposefully buried to the point I did not experience or feel them anymore. I didn't want to know about the things I had lost, painful memories that I had submerged, and people I had wronged. Suddenly, everything came rushing back to the surface with nearly 10 years of weight behind them.

When I began to spiral earlier this year, I also began to feel life with a new depth, dynamic, and texture. Everything had more taste, more color, more energy. I had never felt such life. I felt completely interconnected with the fabric of the universe. For once in my life, I actually felt genuine emotions. Not just the extremes but the little emotions like empathy, joy because of the happiness of others, and apprehension. I was anxious about little things and worried about others.

This was all new to me and I was unsure how to handle it. My emotions changed with great frequency and amplitude. I was experiencing life with all its intricacies for the first time in memory. I had all the emotional depth of a normal human; I just had no idea how to handle that ability and I felt lost and out of control.

Everyone has witness this cataclysmic transformation. Everyone has felt its effects and witnessed their power to change, to warp, to destroy. The affects have been far and wide - physically and temporally. The damage has been done and what has been said has been heard. We have not, however, given this new found power a chance to do what it is designed to do.

Emotions are not predictable. Emotions are not rational. They are designed to create a connection, a bond between humans deeper than can be created by technology or ideas. Emotions are complex and vast. They are designed to be felt far and wide and to provide a superior form of communication between us homo sapien sapiens.

As the song states, "It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something numb." I have been biochemically numbed. I am supposed to be human. I have, for once, felt emotions that have enginneered new questions, broadened horizons, and given purpose to once empty actions. Why are we hiding from what is reality?

Without thought to what was happening, I was numbed like a wounded soldier. I am not hemorraging. I am not dying.

I am evolving.


But I guess it's true: It IS easier to run and replace the pain with something numb.


Just a thought...